Background Music for Shame Off You Class

I had handed out the CD I made as background music for the class and the prayer time. If had heard songs that you liked and wondered what they were and who was singing them, I have listed the song list for the CD below. A lot of these are my favorite worship songs and all of the Hillsong we sing at Reynolda. The links below are to legal downloads of those songs. You will need to register at the site to pull the songs. Enjoy!

1. For Who You Are - Hillsong
2. Jesus I Am Resting, Resting - Jean Sophia Pigott
3. Let Us Adore - Hillsong
4. Meet With Me - Ross King
5. The Stand - Hillsong United
6. Be Unto Your Name - Robin Mark
7. Alabaster Box - Julie Meyer
8. All Who Are Thirsty - Vineyard
9. Hosanna - Hillsong
10. Where I Belong - Matt Gilman & Cory Asbury
11. Jesus, All For Jesus - Robin Mark
12. Exalted (Yahweh) - Chris Tomlin
13. At the Cross - Hillsong
14. Hallelujah (Your Love is Amazing) - Vineyard
15. Who May Ascend - Ross King

Shame Off You Follow Up Class

Thank you for all of you who were praying for the follow up class that Allison and were leading for the Shame Off You Conference. The class went very well. We learned so much adding in those extra classes after what we did for Parents of Preschoolers.

We combined a lot of Pastor Alan's material with Restoring the Foundations (RTF) and our personal experience. This diagram below is from RTF and was the hook that we kept coming back to.

Here are the handouts and the slides we used for the class. The two zip files are all of the notes and/or slides on one file. Both are about 1Mb a piece, but it would save downloading each PDF seperately. If you right-click on any link and select save as, you can download the files to your computer.

Shame Off You Follow-Up Class Handouts (zip)

• Session 1: Guilt and Conviction (pdf)
• Session 2: The Lies of Shame (pdf)
• Session 3: Inner Vows (pdf)
• Session 4: Scapegoats (pdf)
• Session 5: The Real Gospel (pdf)
• Session 5: Am I Blessed? (extra pdf)

Shame Off You Follow-Up Class Slides (zip)

• Session 1: Guilt and Conviction (pdf)
• Session 2: The Lies of Shame (pdf)
• Session 3: Inner Vows (pdf)
• Session 4: Scapegoats (pdf)
• Session 5: The Real Gospel (pdf)

What We Assume Jesus Would Say

This is funny video that shows how so many of us think Jesus speaks to them. You might have to listen closely to some of it because of the sound quality. I found it hilarious because it took people's misconceptions and carried them out to an extreme. Enjoy!

This video was created by Vintage 21, a church in Raleigh.

Shame Off You Recap

Congratulations! We now have no shame. :) We actually went through a lot of material the last few weeks. I have put together a directory of each lesson for your reference in case you want to go back. The link within the title is the blog post related to that week and the notes link is the handouts for the class.

• Shame Off You Introduction
• Chapter 1:   The Power of Words
• Chapter 2:   The Power of Marriage
• Chapter 3:   The Power of Forgiveness
• Chapter 4:   The Power of Confession
• Chapter 5a:   The Power of God’s Voice (notes
• Chapter 5b:   The Power of Celebration
• Chapter 6:   The Power of Mom and Dad
• Chapter 7:   The Power of Boundaries
• Chapter 8:   The Power of Walking With Jesus
• Chapter 9:   How to Change Others
• Chapter 10:   How the Church Tries to Change You
• Chapter 11:   How the Gospel Tries to Change You
• Chapter 12:   How Idols Keep You from Real Change

It has been a great semester. I know I have learned a lot. Let's all take the summer and rest our brains. Try to incorporate some of the things we discussed in class. We will be having some fun events over the summer, so if you have signed up for the RSS feed on the right, you will be updated of them. We will also be sending out an email, but I thought I would encourage the late adopters to sign up for the feed.

Missing the Most Important Thing

I have been sitting on this last week and not making the time to post it. These two emails came back to back and speak right into the topics of Church Shame and the Real Gospel that we went over the last couple weeks. Allison has recently been reading this book and says it is one of his best. It will be one of my next two to read.

Enjoy.

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What IS Discipleship?

04/21/2009

What have we come to accept as “discipleship”? A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It’s a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be “faithful” in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry “load.”

You’re probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort. But let me ask you: A program like this— does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing.

(Waking the Dead , 95-96)

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Missing the Most Important Thing

04/22/2009

We take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss the most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who were doing all the “right” things: “Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you’” (Matt. 7:23). Knowing God. That’s the point.

You might recall the old proverb: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help him solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn’t master enough principles to see yourself safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work—is it time to make a move? What has God called you to do with your life? Things are hard at home—is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can’t seem to shake this depression—is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you—and how should you respond?

Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all—aren’t we “followers of Christ”? Then by all means, let’s actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.

(Waking the Dead , 96-97)

Christian Idols

Common thought among Christians is that they do not deal with idols. While we may still hold God on the throne, Christians commonly have idols in special places of our hearts. Idols are anything that we go to for comfort or protection that is not God. Relationships, food, TV, exercise, etc. can be established as idols in our lives. Spouses and kids are also frequently put up to calm the pain in our hearts.

Where ever we have idols, we are blocking the flow of God's power and comfort into our lives. Therefore we are block the true source of our protection. Jeremiah 10: 14 says that every goldsmith is shamed by their idols. This is because something we can control will never satisfy us in our need for protection. Even love cannot be given under those circumstance. This could be the reason God has given us free-will.

It is painful to remove idols because they have become so closely connected to our source of life that it is like riping flesh to have them removed. But, they must be removed. God loves us too much to have them remained. So He brings about circumstances where our idols fail us. Like the poor super bounce castle in the image, our fortress of protection by our idols starts to fall apart. We can either abandon those false idols for God, or unfortunately like too many we patch up the castle to try to let it protect us again.

As parents we need to address our idols. If not for our own sake, at least for our kids. Whatever idols you have in place are very likely going to show up somehow in your children.

Idols shame us. Jesus brings life, health, and peace. The mental decision is easy. Stepping out in faith is always hard.

What's So Good About the Good News?

Most of Christianity has built its own set of rules to the Christian life, and success is measured by whether we can keep from the sins that are counted as bad. This is just a new form of religiousity that was given in the law. What did Jesus change from the old covenant?

The new covenant is not between God and His people like the old but between God and His Son. It is new because it does not depend on our faithfulness but on Jesus’ faithfulness. Our role of the new covanent is not to keep the covanent but to abide in Jesus who the covanent is with.

Shame says I must do something in order to be blessed. The truth of the new covenant is nothing can keep me from the blessing of God except the deception that I must do something more in order to receive it.

Sin is no longer something that most be dealt with. Jesus has already dealt with it. Sin is just evidence that our hearts are not fully trusting in God and thus not experiencing all that He has for us. Sin now has become a tool for more healing, because we are no longer fearful of it and can use it as clues to where to invite Jesus next.

"There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Easter and Following Schedule

Just a quick reminder that we will not be having class tomorrow as we celebrate Easter. Please consider to still come during first service to free up space for new comers. Second service will be packed!

The following three weeks will be...

• April 19th: Chapter 11: The Highest Vista of All
• April 26th: Chapter 12: Choose Your God
• May 3rd: Shame Off You Recap -- Bring your questions.

We are still planning on a break for the summer with a few socials thrown in. Happy Easter everyone!

Is Reynolda a Shame-Free Church?

One of the things we went over in class Sunday is what a shame-free church would look like. I cannot say Reynolda is perfectly shame-free, but I do know that it is a goal of the church. It kind of has to be a goal when your pastor writes a book about getting the shame off people.

This image is a diagram of how Reynolda would like to become that shame-free church. Just as Jesus lived a life full of grace and truth. The Church, as the body of Christ, represents Him by being full of grace and truth.

The curvy line represents a barrier that prevents the mingling of the two. If you have grace without truth, you tend to accept every sin in the name of acceptance and can easily be led into deception. If you have truth without grace, you tend to dogmatic, rigid, and unloving.

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." - I Peter 3: 15 - 16

There is truth that needs to be share, but we must always remember that we are talking to people that Jesus died for... people Jesus cares for... people Jesus patiently desires to know Him better.

Grace and truth is a difficult balance, but nothing is impossible with God.

A System of Guilt

It has been a while since I pulled out an Eldredge newsletter, but this reached back in the archive to retrieve this nugget regard shame in church. I recommend everyone signing up for these (www.ransomedheart.com). They have some great wisdom. Enjoy.

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A System of Guilt

09/28/2008

God speaks to Israel through the prophet Isaiah when she is surrounded by enemies and making every effort to appease them through diplomacy, gifts, treaties, and bribes, and says this to her:

“You went to Molech with olive oil and increased your perfumes. You sent your ambassadors far away; you descended to the grave itself! You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, ‘It is hopeless.’ You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint” (Isa. 57:9–10).

God calls Israel to repent by admitting her weariness and fainting. Instead, she looks for ways to use her personal assets to redeem herself. Jesus spoke to the people about rest and thirst. The Pharisees demanded that they obey a constantly growing weight of religious laws and traditions, and chastised them for staggering under the load. They led people in the exact opposite direction from where their salvation lay—in admitting their weariness and fainting. As long as they hoped in their self-sufficiency, they would not call out to God and receive forgiveness, healing, and restoration.

So many of our contemporary churches operate on this same system of guilt. When our people are crying out for communion and rest, we ask them to teach another Sunday school class. When they falter under the load, we admonish them with Scriptures on serving others. One wonders what would happen if all activity motivated by this type of guilt were to cease for six months. Much of organized Christianity would collapse even as the Pharisees saw happen to their own religious system. As Jesus talked about thirst and rest, he brought people to the reality of their own heart.

(Sacred Romanace , 169)

Shame from Church

Most people reject Jesus not because of anything He has ever done or not done but because Christians have misrepresented His name. This is going to happen; I know that I have done it. We are not perfect. But, the Church has unfortunately been a breeding ground for shame.

Shame from church a lot of times fueled by good intentions. We see a problem and we want to fix it. That's the mission Jesus has left us with isn't it?

We are to heal the broken hearted, release the captives, seek and save the lost, but we do not do that by convincing people to try harder. The mystery of the gospel is that the more we spend time with Jesus, His desires become our desires. The more we listen to His voice, we hear the words of life that heals those wounded areas leading us to sin.

Most of Christianity has lead people to Jesus for salvation, but then implemented a form of the law for the Christian life. But, just as we accepted Jesus Christ as Lord, we are to continue to live in Him. We came by faith; we continue by faith. But this is taking us into the next chapter...

How does this all play into our children? We need to be involved in their lives. We cannot send them to the church nursery or Christian schools and assume everything is fine. As we talk to our kids and take responsibility for their upbringing we can correct incorrect thinking that mingles in.

Can People Change?

Yes, people can change (notes attached). As we learned from class today, people in sales expect people to be able to change. (I am not sure if this was a reasuring comment.) If we truly believe we have something that would be of benefit to people we love, we need to know how to promote this to them in a way they may respond.

In chapter 9 Pastor Alan does a great job laying out the framework on how to get people to change without using shame.

1. We must begin with prayer because only God can change the heart.
2. We change a negative spirit by sowing the opposite spirit.
3. We enable positive change through the power of blessing.
4. We help others embrace responsibility by treating them as if they are owners, not slaves.

Just as when we discussed guilt and conviction earlier in the book, we must use our words and efforts in others to produce life. Guilt produces death and does not promote real change. Conviction will speak the truth about bad behavior, but it will do it in a way that inspires change.

We all want our kids to change. At the very least to change from children to adults. Are we feeding them with life-giving words and love? Let's speak into them who God has called them to be.

Our Children are Raw Materials

The FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Conference was a wonderful getaway for Allison and me. We have been blessed to go to these conference so many times. This past one was a good reminder of things we have heard, being grateful for the principles it put into our marriage early on, and gave us new awareness since we now have children. Again, we would highly encourage any one to go for their own marriage booster shot.

In our absence POPs was blessed with the wisdom and teaching from Gwladys Keating. From the stories we have gathered, she came in and made use of the chalkboard. She discussed how every strength of our children have corresponding weaknesses and vice versa. And, even the strengths of our children need to be cultivated and matured. With that being said, we should never shame our children because of immaturity. We receive our children as raw materials. They are not born perfect. Therefore when they make mistakes we come alongside with encouragement, never shame.

Shame given during an honest mistake can easily lead to having your children not try again.

The other principle I took away from what I heard is the need to be specific. This is an obvious comment when disciplining our children, but it is also necessary when we are speaking blessings. The example is if we complement someone and say, "He is handsome." Our children could easily think they need to look like that person in order to be handsome. The difference would be to say, "He has a friendly smile," or "He is so nice to everyone." This helps our children to understand and assimilate what it means to us for someone to be handsome.

Our church is filled with some wonderful people that have wealth of understanding in the Lord. Gwladys is one of those treasures, and I am glad that our class had the privilege to learn from her.

Success Does Not Heal

One of the greatest lies with regard to shame is that we will feel better if we can just be successful. All those demonic lies would be silenced by the power of great achievement. The story of Elijah tells a different story.

Sunday we discussed how the healing is found by walking with Jesus (notes attached). The problem is not that Jesus does not want to heal us. It is also not that He does not know how. The problem is we are afraid of what He is going to do. Will He make me come clean with my spouse? Will I need to quit my job to spend more time at home? Will He make me relive the pain in my past that I have tried so hard to forget?

What will God make you do? I don't know. I do know that Jesus weeps for you. He desires your healing and peace more than you do. He knows what is best for you. He created you for an exciting destiny and only He can lead you into it.

Photo courtesy of the NC Zoo.

The Plight of the Scapegoat

The plight of the Scapegoat was a great illustration from chapter 7. Although I did not feel led to discuss it much in class on Sunday, I do think it is extremely important. Why do we need to have someone to blame when things don't go the way we want? Our marriage suffers... because we had kids too soon. I'm always tired... because I have a strong-willed kid. As parents it is very dangerous to make our children the scapegoats. They will receive every bit of shame from those thoughts and sayings.

Shamed people shame. We cannot bear the shame on our own, so we look for others to bear it for us. Our children do not know how to deflect these attempts, and so become natural targets. Instead of feeling a since of purpose and blessing, the scapegoats either wander off closed to the world or work hard to remove those feelings of unworthiness.

This coming Sunday we will refocus on some of these topics as we discuss chapter 8. Success does not overcome our shame. It draws attention to you and now you have to work harder to hid the shame you feel. If we are not put our shame on others and success does not get rid of it, how do we overcome it? The Sunday School answer is Jesus, but what does that look like?

What is God Asking of Us?

Chapter 7 of Shame off You looked at the idea of scapegoats and boundaries. We ended up taking a u-turn on the topic to really look at our boundaries with God (notes attached). First of all, the book has a great definition of scapegoats and why they exist, what they look like today, and the place that God had in the design of the two goat system. Sadly, we did not go over this very much.

We did go over John 6 and the feeding of the five thousand. Where it was not scapegoats, it was a great discussion on how we have improper boundaries with God. Jesus asks Philip a question to test him. So we know right away that Jesus already had something in mind with the question. So often we think that God tests us because He does not know the answer. He knows what is in us; He is trying to get us to know.

Philip gets frustrated with the question and says it is impossible. Andrew interjects, but then gives up after he realized how futile his answer really was. God often asks us to do the impossible, and we take the challenge and try to bring about the impossible. We think because God asks us the question that He must want us to follow through with it. No!

God wants us to participate with Him in the miracle. He does not expect us to perform the miracle.

God has called us to the impossible task of raising godly children. We cannot do this on our own. We can learn tricks and tools, but only God can change the heart. Only God can raise godly children. We need to allow Him to work the miracle in our children's lives.

Shame comes when we think God is expecting us to do something we can never do on our own. Parents, shame off you! God wants us to experience the joy of joining Him in the process of raising our kids. Allow Him to work.

How do we let God raise our kids? Great question. Spend time to ask Him what it will look like. Jesus, how do you want me to pour worth and value into my kids today? Jesus, my child has not been behaving lately. What is going on in her heart? How do you want me to minister to her? God is answering all of the questions. We are just following His directions.

Yes, Jesus does call us to things that we cannot do on our own. The whole Christian life is this. The joy comes from relying on His Holy Spirit to lead and empower us to accomplish those impossible tasks. As your children see your reliance on Christ, you will be well on your way of raising godly children.

For fun: the anatomy of a scapegoat...

Image by Michael Paulus

The Power of the Mom and Dad

When we talk about getting shame off our kids, we need to remember there is power in being the mom and dad (notes attached). God created the family to have a mother and a father. This is why broken homes due to a parent who leave physically or emotionally can leave scars in children. It is in the family that our identity is forms. It is where we learn what we think of ourselves and what we can accomplish.

From our discussion yesterday, the common need we must accomplish in parenting is being there with our kids and spending attentional time with them. But, a father spending time with his kids will look different than a mother spending time with her kids. When the child gets hurt, the father will likely encourage them to walk it off. The mother will likely give a hug and kiss. A mother will tend to comfort a child when they are scared, and the father will tend to encourage the child to face their fears.

It is not that necessarily either one is wrong; it is just a difference in their make-up. A mother will make the child feel safe. A father will call the child out of safety into their destiny. Both are needed.

Finally, we discussed how God plays the part of both. He is our Heavenly Father, and yet He comforts His children as a hen gathering her chicks. No matter what kinds of parents you have had or did not have, God wants to call you into His family and allow Him to parent you.

Join in the Celebration

NOTE: Please fill out the class survey by next week.

Celebration can be a shame killer. Celebrating and inviting someone into celebration opens them up to receive the truth that they are valuable. When honor displaces dishonor, shame loses it foothold. We need to join in the celebration (notes attached).

Shame-based families do not celebrate. They have a hard time giving value to thing for what they are. Children of these families then have a hard time entering into the celebration themselves. Birthdays, songs, and even just sending time with kids are great ways to celebrate them for who they are. As we discussed last fall, the more time in with our kids we have the less time out they will need.

image courtesy of Bent Objects

This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. And so at its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire.

John Eldredge - Desire, page 35

Why Did Jesus Come?

I was reading John 3 again this week, and I came across one of the most familiar verses in the Bible, John 3:16. As I read it again I reminded about our conversation on Sunday regarding guilt vs. conviction. This shows why Jesus was sent into the world. Jesus came to save not condemn. His desire for us is healing not harm - life not death. When the words enter our mind of guilt and shame, we can know that beyond a shadow of a doubt they are from the enemy. Cry out to God and take back the hope that you have in Christ!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." -
John 3:16-17

The Difference Between Guilt and Conviction

What is the difference between guilt and conviction? The simple definition we addressed is guilt leads to death and conviction leads to life. The longer discussion centered around the source of the two. Guilt is the voice of the enemy, and conviction is the voice of the Holy Spirit. The class notes for Guilt vs. Conviction are posted.

How do we differentiate between the voice of the enemy and the voice of God? The more we know the character of God; the more we will know His voice. God loves us. God is for us. God believes in us. God will lead us to hope and life. (If you doubt any of this read Romans 8 multiple times.)

How do you address the voices? God's voice - embrace freely; Enemy's voice - reject boldly. Here is a scenerio that happens in every home. Your spouse says something and you take it the wrong way. You get mad. The voice of the enemy starts feeding you lies - "Your spouse is always getting on you about this. It's like he/she thinks you do nothing. He/she has no respect for you and what you do."

The first time you hear this you can come out pretty quickly knowing that they are lies. BUT, if you do not expose them as lies, you are vulnerable to when your spouse makes a similar statement later that makes the lies feel true again. Over time the lies sound more true than the truth. Therefore when we experience the lies, we need to go with love to our spouse and say when you said this, these were the lies I heard... This may be a tough conversation, but the unexposed lies will cause separation and God calls us to intimacy.

Applying this to our kids. If we as adults have trouble exposing the lies even when we know them to be lies, imagine how hard it is for our children who need to be lead through this process. The enemy will try to steal truth from our kids just as he tries to steal it from us. We must open the doors of conversation with them so we can expose the lies and replace them with the truth about our love for them.