Your Spouse is Ever Present

image courtesy of Blue Forest

This past Sunday we finished the Reynolda POPs class. It is very sad to see it come to a close. Allison and I have enjoyed the past year and half getting to know each of you and learning about parenting with you. Please remember that just because the formal class time has ended, it does not need to be the end of any of us getting together. Also, on the side, if anyone decides to revive the class, you are welcome to this domain URL.

For our last class we discussed how our spouse are always present in our decisions and actions now that we are married. When we were single we had the freedom of making our own decisions, but now even the smallest decision is going to affect at least one other person. Even in following the Lord, as a single person we could follow whatever leading we felt God was giving us. Now every leading must be balanced by what our spouse is also feeling.

At times these feelings do not agree. These disagreements are actually a good thing. They cause us to dive harder into God for clarity because he is not divided and will not move a married couple in different directions. More than likely each of you only has a part of His directions and as you come together you can get His full will.

Being married is being on the same team. Especially as parents of preschoolers this is even more the case. God created marriage for us to be one flesh and move together in oneness. The fact that we are aware of them in every decision is actually a grace from God, because He is teaching us to consider Him in everything as well.

God's View of Sex

image courtesy of free stitch

Wow! We really came back strong during class yesterday. When we have a discussion on sex, there is a fear that either nobody will talk or it would be too embarrassing. Thankfully neither happened. We had great discussion, and I do not think anyone turned red. Here are the notes for the Sex and Intimacy chapters.

Sex is a wonderful gift of God for married couples. It is a way to draw closer to one another and give to your spouse. Unfortunately the world and Satan have distorted our view of sex so much that we have a hard time seeing the good at times. We should remember, if Satan is trying hard to distort something, then there is probably something really good God intended for it.

Sex is the channel where we become one flesh. All of the blessings and pain of the two individual now reside in both people. There is obvious benefits to the joint blessings, but the combine pain invites the other person to join in with their spouse in finding the healing of Christ. The two are no longer two and to try to live as separate individuals is not God's plan.

Ultimately sex has a spiritual equivalent with God in worship. This is where we give ourselves completely over to Him for His enjoyment. It is here that we experience the highs of intimacy with our Creator. It is also hear that we take on all of God's blessings. And since God does not have any sin, He just takes our away from us. There is forgiveness in worship. There is healing in worship. Seek to give God every part of you.

Marriage Communication Follow-Up

This video is a follow-up to the previous about listening to your lady. Eventually, you wife will want you to respond to what she said, and these are things you don't say to her. The video is by Tim Hawkins. Enjoy!

Listen to Your Lady

I found this video from Central Church in Las Vegas. It has got a catchy tune and as you can see from the title it is about communication in marriage. Enjoy!

Listen To Your Lady from David Tate.

Forgiveness Makes Marriage Work

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Failure in marriage always has at its root, unforgiveness. Ok, I cannot be 100% positive about that since I have no research, but it has got to be close. (forgiveness class notes)

Forgiveness is not easy. It involves dying to yourself. But, we must trust that there is a reward in our obedience. We are not dying to ourself for no reason. We have to trust that God has a plan. He is able to work through all things for the good of those who love Him. If we are forgiving someone out of the obedience to Christ, then He has to have something good in store. We just have to release to God what those good things may be because they may not be what we were hoping for.

Thankfully God wants to help us out in the process. We can go to God and let Him know why we are having a hard to forgiving. We can ask Him for help interpreting the situation. We can allow Him to defend us. Let go and let God.

Forgiveness may not be easy, but it does build our faith. Since we know that it is impossible to please God without faith, we also know that as we build our faith we are pleasing God more. God understands our weaknesses and is more than willing to help us to do the things He asks of us.

Schedule Changes

There was a mistake on last Sunday’s reading for this week. We will read chapter nine for this coming Sunday. For those following closely, this does skip chapter eight. You are welcome to read it, but we will not be discussing it. Now, I made you want to read it to see what you are missing. :)

Also, for those who were not there. We will be participating in the church’s request to go through Bill Hybel’s Just Walk Across the Room. We will join with the Reavis’ group in room 227 (see map) from Oct. 25 through Nov. 11. It may be weird taking a break from our Sacred Marriage in mid-stream, but it will give us opportunities to meet other members of Reynolda. Karan Reavis will lead the discussion after the video, and let’s hope we can get her to start talking about something she is passionate about. It will be fun!

For those who have signed up to bring snacks over those weeks, you can just get with the Connelley’s if you would like to reschedule. We will not have snacks during those weeks.

For this breakout group, we will watch a short video about the topic and then have a discussion. Gwladys will provide the discussion questions to our class next week that we will go through in the class. The church does have the book, which the video series is based, available if you want to purchase. It is $10 and they are located in the Chapel.

I believe this covers everything. Let Allison or I know if there are any questions.

Exposure of Sin is Good

Image Courtesy of Despair, Inc.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. - Proverbs 28:13

In an effort to keep everything looking good, some people avoid the real issues of their marriage. God has put your together with your spouse not to necessarily point out all of your sin, but to flood the areas of pain that have led to the sin with love. If love covers a multitude of sin, then your spouse will have plenty of opportunity to love you.

I loved the passage that we studied this week. I think it shows the intense desire of our Heavenly Father to remove sin from our lives. It is not to pound us into submission, but He aches knowing that these other things are keeping you from experiencing the love He has for you. And, the hindrance is not with Him. When we keep in our sin, we keep our eyes focused on other things to satisfy the deepest longings that were made to be satisfied in Him.

God created us to love Him. We will be most satisfied when we are satisfied in Him (look out I think I just quoted Piper). This is true because He knew what He was doing when He created you.

Therefore if our spouse really loves us, they will also hate the sin in our lives. Not so that their lives will be easier, but because they will want us to experience the fullness that is offered us in Christ; and sin will keep us from that.

This is a topic that generates the most arguments in marriage. Mainly because it is handled through our pain and not through Christ. Even so, we need to keep the proper perspective. Romans 8:1 & 28!

Prayer and Marriage

"If you want a better marriage, you need to pray more."

This is the common belief when it comes to Christians and marriage and prayer. Gary Thomas takes another approach taken from 1 Peter 3:7. He says that if you are having troubles in your prayer life, then work on your marriage.

I personally think they go hand in hand. God's is so in meshed Himself in relationships that if you have not in right relationship with your spouse, your relationship with God can be hindered. We should not see this as a punishment but as a opportunity to know what is important to God. If we remember back to our discussions on Shepherding a Child's Heart, discipline is not primarily to fix the behavior, it is correct issues in the heart.

Prayer in and of itself is the basic means of having a relationship with God. Therefore if our marriage is to represent God's love to the church, then open communication with our spouse has got to be important to God.

After having said this, I know that not all marriages are there. Some people have spouses that do not want an open communication. God will not hold this against you if it is your spouse's issue. God is not looking to punish His children. On the contrary, He is looking for more and more ways to bless us. If our prayers seem to be hindered, asking God if there is something wrong in your relationship with your spouse is an appropriate response. Assuming that it is a punishment for a bad relationship is not. Only God has the right to interpret the events of our lives.

God loves you very much. He sent His Son to die for you. Everything that happens to you must be judged based on this reality.

Unconditional Love and Respect in Marriage

Image Courtesy of Blue Nile Jewelry

Ephesians 5: 33 lets us know that we are to unconditionally love and respect our spouses, and in doing so we represent God's love and respect for us. In class we discussed how God shows us love and respect. There are some universal ways in which He show this to us.

• God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.
• God is patient with us, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance - insinuating that God will respect our decisions and not force us to trust Him even though He desires it.

There are much more universal ways, but there are also many personal ways God shows individually shows us love and respect. God can give us a personal Scripture that speaks to our need. He can lead us to a personal calling of something He wants us to do. For each of us in this class, parenting is one of those callings. But, in order to hear this specific heart of love and respect for us personally from God, it is best to set aside time to spend with Him. Prayer and listening to God is a great way to know how God feels about you. Reading the Bible and talking about God with other Christians can also awaken our hearts to these feelings.

God loves and respects each of us more than our actions deserve. But, when we united our lives with Christ, all that God sees and feels for Jesus are also placed on us. It is what we were created for. We are the apple of His eye and the pride of His heart.

God Puts Us With Out Opposite in Marriage

Allison and I receive John Eldredge's newsletters by mail. The following is what he sent for Ransomed Heart's September newsletter. John and Staci are releasing a marriage book in January called, Love and War, which this newsletter is an excerpt from. It goes right along with what we discussed in class and what we will continue to talk about. Enjoy

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Dear Friends,

Just this morning Stasi and I were talking about marriages we both know, and we came to a pretty sobering realization - we can't name one marriage that hasn't been through deep waters in the last three years. Not one. And we know a lot of people, and a lot of marriages. You'd think we'd be able to point to some couple who is trouble free. We can't find one. Not One. Every single marriage we know is either currently struggling, or they've just passed through some major struggle, or they've thrown in the towel. What's with that?

Is it just a bad time to be married, like the 90's were a bad time to live in Rwanda? Is it a bad time for marriage generally, like last fall was a bad time to be in the stock market? Or maybe it's something else. Maybe there's something about marriage, something inherent to it, that we'd all do well to go ahead and admit, face head-on, come to terms with. Marriage is fabulously hard.

Everybody who's been married knows this. Though years into marriage it still catches us off guard, all of us. And newly married couples, when they discover how hard it is, they seem genuinely surprised. Shocked, and disheartened by the fact. Are we doing something wrong? Did I marry the right person? The sirens that lure us into marriage - romance, love, passion, sex, longing, companionship - they seem so far fro the actual reality of married life we fear we've made a colossal mistake, caught the wrong bus, missed our flight. And so the hardness also comes as something of an embarrassment (don't you feel embarrassed to admit how hard your marriage is?) Maybe it's just us.

Nope. This is everyone. We might as well come out and say it.

The sooner we get the shame and confusion off our backs, the sooner we'll find our way through. Of course marriage is hard. For heaven's sake, bring together a man and a woman - two creatures who think, act and feel so differently you'd think they'd come from separate solar systems - and ask them to get along for the rest of their lives under the same roof. That's like taking Cinderella and Huck Finn, tossing them in a submarine and closing the hatch. What did you think would happen?

When it comes to high-level expeditions, one piece of advice that veterans unanimously urge is this: "Choose your tent mate carefully." For you are going to spend weeks to months on end shut-in by foul weather in the forced intimacy of a tiny fabric cocoon with this person. By the time it's over everything about them will drive you mad - the way they eat, the way they breathe, the way they hum show tunes or pick their nails. To keep yourself from a Donnor party ending, you must start with people you are utterly compatible with.

God does the opposite - he puts us with our opposite. Our mutual brokenness plays off of each other so perfectly it's frightening. It's like throwing a dog and a cat in the dryer. Is he absolutely mad? Why would God do such a thing?

Because marriage is a divine conspiracy. It is a conspiracy divinely arranged and with divine intent. God lures us into marriage through love and sex and loneliness, or simply the fact that someone finally paid attention - all those reasons that you got married in the first place. It doesn't really matter, he'll do whatever it takes. he lures us into marriage and then he uses it to transform us.

Come back to the fairy tales - in every one of those stories, the boy and the girl each carry a fatal flaw. if they refuse their transformation - which is essential to the plot of the story - they'll never make it. Evil will win, they will lose heart and split up, and there will be no happily ever after. Beauty and the Beast. The Horse and His Boy, The Golden Key- in every one of those stories, happily ever after waits upon a peculiar turn of events, at the center of which is their transformation.

We all have a style of relating, we have a way that we do life. Our carefully crafted approach colors the way we work, the way we love, the way we handle stress and the way we look for life. Our style is borne out of brokenness and sin, and it is the number one thing that gets in the way of real love and companionship, the shared adventure and all the beauty of marriage. It's really this simple - the number one thing that gets in the way is your way. And we have absolutely no intention of giving it up. Not even to love. So God creates an environment where we have to. It's called marriage.

Now listen carefully - God wants us to be happy. He really does. He simply knows that until we deal with our brokenness, our sin, an dour style of relating, we aren't going to be happy. Nobody around us is going to be very happy, either. Most of what you've been experiencing in the last twelve months is God's attempt to get you to face your style of relating, and repent of it.

This is the old Christian understanding of the world, the understanding that happiness is the fruit of other things, chief among them our own holiness, and so we must undergo a transformation. Just like the fairy tales, we must share in God's holiness before the story is finished. This flies in the face of the more popular view of the world that's crept in recently - the happiness view. This is the idea that frames most people's expectations of marriage (and everything else) - the view that we're here for our happiness and so you'd better make me happy. It comes as quite a disruption when we begin to realize that God might have other things in mind!

But once we accept the plot of the conspiracy - our transformation - then we can get on with the cooperating with God, and that opens the door to all sorts of good things.

This is an excerpt from the book Stasi and I just finished reading on marriage, entitled Love and War. It comes out at the end of the year. But we thought we might begin sharing some of it with you now. We think everyone - married and single - will find the themes true and helpful.

Finding God in Marriage

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Marriage is the coming together of two very different people and making the differences work. Immediately we can see the analogy to our relationship with God as He is so much different from us yet committed to making a relationship with us work. Finding God in marriage is not really that hard once you start looking. The problem we face is that it is hard to look past our differences with our spouse to see anything good.

There is an old joke I hard about a bride on her wedding day. As she enters the sanctuary, she sees three things. First she sees the aisle she has to walk down. Then she sees the altar where she is going to walk to. And, finally she see him - the guy shes to marry. In that order, she thinks: aisle, altar, him. Or, I'll alter him.

But if marriage is to work, we must be willing to becoming like our spouse. I hear what you are saying, God is not like that He does want to alter us. We are to become like God. Yes, since He knows what is best for us, He does want us to become more like Him. But do not forget that God was so committed to making it work with us that he took on flesh. He became like us. So yes, God does want us to become like Him, but He became like us first.

There are so many other ways we can find God in marriage, and we had a great discussion yesterday regarding these. It was a great class, and I am looking forward going through Sacred Romance this fall.

To Become Like Jesus

If you want to do the work of Jesus, stay single.
If you want to become like Jesus, get married.

This is a paraphrase from the book. While it is not entirely true, it does get at the heart of the book. When you live 24/7 with another person, who knows your thoughts and actions... who know who you are when no one else is looking, then your impurities start to show. Your spouse does not make you a bad person or more sinful. Your spouse reveals where you do not live out who you really are.

This is exactly what Jesus wants. Not to make you feel bad about yourself but to gently persuede you to become who you were created to be. Remember conviction is good. It is of the Spirit. It leads to life. When we don't take these issues to Jesus, then it becomes shame and leads to death. It is all a matter of perspective.

Your spouse is God's perfect gift to you. Never try to think of them as anything else.

Class Schedule Changes

It was great to see everyone again and be back in room 225 with the couches and the outdoor view. We also need to thank Gwladys and Reynolda for providing the Krispy Kreme.

Two major administration decisions came from yesterday:

1. We will keep meeting every week.
2. Class will now meet from 11:00 - 12:15.

Other than that, we shared stories of our summer and introduced the Sacred Marriage book. We will be studying chapters 1 and 2 next week focusing on the topic: Finding God in Marriage.

Class Starts This Sunday

Where did the summer go? Preschool has started back; school buses crowd the rode. Time to start back the Parents of Preschool class. We will meet this Sunday at 10:30 in room 225.

I had felt bad making people have homework for the first class, so I am rescinding this. This coming week we will just catch up on the summer, eat some snacks, and set the agenda for the coming fall. We are still going to go through Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, so go ahead and get the book if you have not yet. We will not have extras available to bring to the class this time around.

We look forward to having everyone together again!

Fall Topic: Sacred Marriage

We hope everyone enjoyed their break. As the heat of summer continues to rise, we are getting close to the starting back point of the POPs class. This fall we will be going through Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage. We will be taking a look at our marriages and how important they to our kids.

We will also be leading a class for Newly Married couples at our home during the same time. This similar class will just focus on the importance of prioritizing marriage early on and will not have childcare. Please let any of your friends who do not have kids know about the class. We are also taking new people for out class, so let the word out. You can lead them to this blog. If you are reading this and not in the class yet, please sign in so we can keep you inform you when we get close to start.

I look forward to getting everyone together again in September.