Sunday, February 15, 2009

Help Get Shame Off This Kid - part 2

This was a great discussion because it took some of the theories we have been discussing and forced us to try to get practical. Before I recap our discussion, let me reiterate this discussion was not suggesting that this mom did anything wrong. As an outsider I do not know the full range of what was going on with this kid. This was merely an example to stretch our thinking in how to pull shame off our children.

With this said this boy was definitely experiencing shame, so how as a parent can we address it without adding more shame. For this example, some suggestions were:
  1. If our son said he was accused of something he did not do, then probe further to ask why he was wandering off ashamed when he had done nothing. Engage him in discussion and not allowing it to be glossed over.
  2. Go towards our son in love. Do not allow him to walk around to wait for him to come back. Let him know that you will not let distance last within your relationship.
  3. Go to the man who accused him to find out his story. Allow the truth to be exposed so that no doubt of lies remain. This would not be to correctly punish your child, but instead to not let lies linger that if you knew what really happened you would not love him. Correct the child in love
  4. Get the brother since he threw his brother under the bus. Allow him to tell his side of the story. Again the idea would be to uncover the truth not to punish but discipline in love.

With life there are no correct answer that works for every circumstance, but these were some great ideas of how to move toward your child in love without increasing his shame.

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